Friday, September 13, 2013

Five years ago today: The Puppy Paddle

Five years ago today, we were at the Puppy Paddle with my mom, Kelly, and of course, Pepper:







After the russell sims water park closes for the season, they hold one final event before they dran the pools:  The Puppy Paddle!

Basically, everybody can bring their dogs to swim, play games, win prizes, and all that good doggy stuff.  Music, dog bones, tennis balls, and lots of happy romping jumping and splashing.  Pepper was a bit shy at first, but after some time and gentle encouragement, she was leaping off the edge with the best of 'em. 

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Sudden, slow, sticky clarity

I am ambitious. I am impulsive. But I'm also overly cautious and "practical" in a way that often leads me to thwart said ambition by reasoning away the impulses. This leaves me feeling frustrated and depressed, and it has to stop. 

I have to remind myself that just because something IS doesn't mean it NEEDS to be or that it is RIGHT. I need to learn how to take apart the box once I've thought outside of it. 

I need to be like the people I admire who choose something ridiculous and then make it a reality. I just end up hating myself when I resign myself to accepting that I am powerless.

I think back to working with Steve Wangh and the time he wanted to tweak some quirk of the staging during troilus (a very complex show utilizing at least four separate elements involving aerial rigs) and I, in my stage managerial role, said to him that we couldn't do it the way he wanted to and offered some alternatives. He asked "why?" And I explained that we would have to pretty much take down the entire set, re-rig it, and then rebuild everything around it in a new way-in my mind, as much as it should change, because it hadn't been in the original plan it was impossible. He thought for a moment and then said "ok. So lets do that."

And we did. And it was great. And I need to let myself be impractical and follow my instincts or I'm never going to be happy. I trained myself to live within other people's definitions, to find little ways to satisfy my creative urges and small rebellions made out of compromise.

I need to learn that sometimes, it is ok and even necessary to refuse a compromise that will squish the life out of you, or your work, or something deeply cherished.

This is something I think all my teachers  in college were trying to tell me, something that my psychologist has been trying to help me see, something that I've been trying to find permission to do for years...and it's all finally solidifying for me because of the threat of my children being tossed into a broken "necessary" system unless I do something about it. Somehow, I have to find a way to tangibly do something about it, instead if just whining and submitting to my(their) fate because the alternative is "too hard."

Now how the hell do I start?

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Proud Mourning

This morning, my intrepid young lady embarked on her very first solo journey into growing up.  She took the school bus, on her own, to her brand new school, for her very first day of first grade.

I am so insanely proud of her.

Its just first grade.  But you guys...it's FIRST GRADE!  Now she'll be all busy all the time until she moves out. :-(

But Oh Emm Gee I missed her so damn much.

I texted a couple friends after she left and I started getting physically dizzy.  They both assured me it was normal.  One suggested a stiff drink.  It's amazing how addicted one gets to one's own children, especially when you stay home and are so involved and trying to let nature steer the general rhythm of your relationship.  All day something deep in my chest kept jumping up my throat growling "this. Is. Not. Natural."

I think the fact that blue school felt so much like home mitigated that factor. But now that we are at a public school and I just have to stick her on a bus and send her away...well it triggers a very existential sort of mommy angst.

Cadence's was not the only first today...James also had his very first day as a judicial clerk today! Even after spending the day being overheated, dried out, over tired and even motion sick on the train, he still came home feeling excited and optimistic about the job, so...HOORAY!! 

Cadence had to leave before James, but she wanted to see him all dressed up in his suit.  James and Hazel took this pic in her honor-they are striking a classic Cadence pose.  
So of course, this was also a first for the rest of us - the first day we've had without them around.  My mom, Hazel, Calliope and I had a very nice day, but we all missed our adventurers.

This is gonna take me a little while to get used to.  Luckily I have things like this to make me smile all the time.

(Goodness knows what will become of me when Calli heads out the door...)

How can you not smile when this is what lunchtime looks like?

Sunday, September 1, 2013

Five years ago today: pool fun

Five years ago today, September 1, 2008 saw:



Today, September 1, 2013 saw:




Amazing to think of how much the grow, and how much can change in just a few years.  I am unspeakably grateful for every moment.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

First step...maybe?

Last night when we were (trying to) get the kids to fall asleep, Calliope crawled over to a not-yet-asleep Cadence, stood up on the mattress beside her totally unassisted, and then very slowly and deliberately raised her foot and stepped directly on Cadie-B's tummy, and tried to shift her weight onto that foot before cadence guffawed and she fell down. 

Does that count as a first step?

(Also this happened in the amount if time it took me to walk around the island in the kitchen to pick something up. Clearly we cannot leave the dishwasher open to dry anymore.)

They are all growing up so very fast. I can't keep up with everything and have been opting to spend time with them over writing here, which I don't regret for a second, but I am sorry I am not able to share more of their brilliant adventures-and that I won't have them to look back on when I've blinked and they've suddenly grown up and bounded off on their own splendid adventures.

I love these three well beyond measure.

Monday, August 12, 2013

Adaptability

The other day while we were on our way to the pool, Cadence and Hazel realized that the game that they were playing (in which Hazel was pretending to be a baby and Cadence was carrying her everywhere) wouldn't work while they were actually in the water. When I heard Cadence say "we could just like, slip into an epilogue and you could be older, and then we can go back to this when we're done" - and then Hazel happily agreed but pointed out that since that would be like the end, maybe she should just stay grown up afterwards...well let's just say that If they can have conversations like this at the ages of 6 and 3, I feel confident that they have very promising futures ahead of them.  

Thursday, August 8, 2013

The inevitable reality

I felt glad that I had opted for the "safe" route just in case. I heaved a slight sigh at the lack of adventure in my menu choice, but felt it was worth it for the stress and worry it would save. And i like burgers well enough; better sate than sorry.  That's when I noticed; sesame seeds.  And that's when it hit me. This is going to be a bit rough. But at least we have answers.

After months of suspicion based on my own experience, and bouncing from doctor to doctor being told there was "no chance" that it was allergies, I finally held in my hand the results of a blood test performed two weeks ago. The doctor's scrawl across the cover page read "positive for sesame and nuts, beans." 

My baby is allergic.

This is something I have dreaded since before I became a mother, and have poured hours upon hours upon days reading about, researching, trying to feel out the best way to prevent my children from developing the issue my own genetic makeup has predisposed them to. In fact, it was the very thing that tipped the scales for me in feeling that I should not tempt fate by having any more biological children.

The fates were evidently meant to be tempted, however, because none of us could picture life without Calliope...she has already changed the World for the better. But, as in any proper Greek myth, when you tempt the fates, you usually lose, and in this, we lost.

Fortunately for my little muse, we are uniquely prepared to deal with this particular affliction, since I am, as one doctor put it "just an allergic individual," and have been dealing with allergies ranging from serious to mild since I was born, and I know how to manage them and what it takes to do so.  (In fact, in establishing myself as a patient with this same doctor, she had me retake a bunch of allergy tests to establish a baseline, and -after deciding they couldn't test for everything I seemed "at risk" for because it would require too many pricks-did a blood test for a few anomalous results. The cover sheet on my records, in stark contrast to Callie's, was a list of things that hey, between the skin prick test and the blood test, I might actually NOT be allergic to!  What were they? Almonds, Brazil nuts, and swordfish. Yup, all of three things.)

Anyway, this is both disheartening, and empowering. It's awful, but I also feel oddly able to roll with this. It feels almost inevitable, like I've been preparing for this my whole life and now here we go, game on, lets make it happen. And who knows, maybe within her lifetime, allergies such as these will become cure able, or at least less debilitating. God I hope so.

Callie's results went on to say that we need to avoid sesame, peanut, almond, cashew, pistachio, all other nuts, peas...and a note at the bottom says "she's slightly positive for lentils and soy. We'll repeat in 6 months."  So that's where we are at...I need to call the doctor and consult with her about the severity and specific course of action, but in the meantime we are looking at our family's diet and seeing some major changes that we will need to make. The nuts are actually easy, as I share all if those allergies to an anaphylactic degree, our home is already nut free. The peas, beans and sesame, however, have been a major staple, so this means some big changes. 

We are up to the task though. This little lady is more than worth it, and we are ready to take on this challenge. 

You have no idea how much love I have for you, Calliope. I am gonna do everything in my power to give you the tools to keep yourself safe for the the rest of your long, fulfilling life, baby girl. Your corner is stacked with some fierce advocates, and we won't back down. 

Enjoy the ride, my awesome child.