Disturbing image

Normally I make it a policy not to post pictures of other people's kids without permission, but as I was going through the pictures from Cadence's birthday for a post I'm working on, I stumbled across this image and was disturbed enough to post it despite not knowing the folks involved. These lads walked into the frame as I was attempting to capture a butterfly (which I clearly missed) and, well...

So whaddya think, y'all?

Dear Hazel: Month 4

Dear Hazel

Well, it seems that we have another wonderfully precocious kid on our hands! You know, before you were born I was bound and determined not to judge you based on what your sister was like, or what she had done...I didn't want to be left thinking less of you if you ended up not being as quick on the uptake, or as sweet, or as full of life...because lets face it, some people have much more personality and just somehow pop in the world, and it is hardly fair to deem someone else not as good for simply failing to be extraordinary. But really, my Hazel Amazel my dear, I needn't have worried so. You are, 100% truthfully, every bit as devastatingly incredible and awe-inspiring as your sister was, but in a completely independent, unique way that I can only describe by saying "well yeah, it's Hazel!" You totally rock my world, Hazelnut, in the best possible way, and I just love you to itty bitty pieces and right back together again. Such. An Amazing. Kid.

Anyway, where can I possibly begin? I'll never get it all down...but here's to trying!

We started off this month down in Phoenix for Danial and Poonam's wedding. You were SUCH a little trooper, little nut, and you did remarkably well with being away from home - and in the midst of crazy festivities and exuberant love - for such an extended period of time. I was truly impressed with how well you adapted, and how well you seemed to, dare I say it, actually enjoy the trip!?

You totally took to just trusting that we would be with you and not leave you behind or let you be in a situation that made you feel unsafe or scared, and it made everything so much easier. You also discovered that you could scoot all over our hotel room on your back...and so you did. I'd set you down on the changing mat, and after 5 minutes, tops, you'd be clear on the other side of the room and I'd have to be chasing after you trying to keep you from hitting your head in the corner when you ran out of space. Where's the baby? oh, under the desk.

Oh goodness, little one, you did such an amazing job at the wedding(s), too...it was several days worth of ceremonies and running around, and you never melted down, never lost it, never caused anyone to miss out on anything or disrupted anything...I didn't even have to step out more than once. You are such a good little baby. Totally awesome!

Though, socially speaking, once the ceremonies were over, you certainly did create quite a fuss...everyone loved you (what's not to love!?) and wanted to hold you and play with you...you tolerated all the attention superbly, and let me know when you'd had enough with plenty of warning, and good spirits never had to be broken by our tiny little baby feeling overwhelmed. You were totally amazing.

We also discovered on this trip that you are a water baby fo suah! You LOVED splashing around in the pool, you'd even try to lean forward to give yourself a better doggie paddle stance, and you'd hold you head back above the water and smiiiiile as you tried to swim away! You just got SO excited every time you encountered water. It was totally awesome, and makes me realize how important it is going to be that we continue to give you opportunities to swim, lest you lose your comfort and eagerness, and we accidentally deprive you of one of your earliest passions.

But yeah, if you haven't already guessed based on the fact that you could hold your own head out of the water, you are now very successfully holding up your own head & chest when you're on your tummy - something you still don't really enjoy, but you seem to be abel to appreciate the novelty of it at the very least, for a couple minutes before the screaming sets in.

You TERRIFIED me early this month, actually, when you proved just how true it is that, no matter how 'helpless' a kid your age may seem, you CANNOT leave them (YOU) alone for even a split second...I was changing your diaper, so you, naturally, were on the changing table, which had railings along all four sides to prevent falls. While I was getting out the fresh diaper, you, very suddenly and adeptly, as if you knew precisely what you were doing, reached out, grabbed the railing, and rolled over as you pulled yourself to it...thereby flipping half your body (lengthwise, we're not even talking divisions at the hips here, this is straight down the midline...) right over the railing before I was able to grab you and roll you back to your place int he middle of the table...honestly, had I not been standing right there, I don't know that I would have been able to catch you. So there you go, it IS true that a 3 month old who can't independently get to sitting can go around almost flipping off of changing tables and getting into all sorts of unexpected mischief.

And I suppose it is a little bit of a misnomer to claim that you can't sit on your own...while it is true that you can't get there on your own, once you are there - either because we stuck you in a sitting position or because you were bouncing with us and landed sitting - you can stay that way on your own, completely unsupported, for a decent length of time.

Your physical prowess is indeed quite impressive. August 12 marked the official End to Our Control over your sleeping position...to avoid unecessary risk of SIDS, we have always made sure that, among other things, we always put you down to sleep on your back, never your tummy...well, that AM, I awoke to find that you had rolled onto your belly all on your own.

You also put this skill to good use when we were in the park the other day; we'd settled for a rather impromptu mini picnic in the park after seeing my friend Blake's street performance routine (he's a clown and a contact juggler), and you kept rolling clear off the pad I had you on and trying to eat the grass.

And oh, how you yearn for solid food. You seem to want to eat SO! BAD! It's gotten to the point that I can't even eat while holding you, you'll grab whatever I've got well before it gets to my mouth, and no amount of contortion on my part seems to be able to compensate. You physically struggle to reach any dishes that catch your eye, you study your sister with utter scrutiny whenever she has food, and you'll often yell and fuss at us for not sharing.

Oh that's another good thing to mention this month: You've discovered your 'loud' voice. and I do mean LOUD. You and Cadie have a game now where she'll sit next you you and you'll grab her face (if you can get it!) and yell so loud you knock her right over! Then you'll both laugh and repeat the whole thing, ad naseum, except that it's so cute even the noise doesn't seem quite as painful as it easily could. You've got some serious lungs, kid!

I also think that you try to have conversations with us now, by yelling. You'll shout and use loud, emotional, well supported yelling noises often when you don't seem otherwise upset, and you seem excited when we respond to this communication with our own words, and spaces for you to talk.

You seem to be particularly into toys these days, and you will actively try to get them, and when you do you play HARD. And eventually the novelty of each thing will wear off and you'll be bored. BORED! BORED! with everythign and will actively search out new things, usually somewhat fruitlessly since you've been through most of the stuff in the house. Unless we go out and about, in which case there is plenty to take in and you seem to just drink it all in from your contented cuddle in the wrap.

And OH how you adore you some CRINKLES!! Plastic bags, potato chip bags, tissue paper...whatever you can find that crinkles just absorbs every fiber of your attention. You get almost frantic with excitement and will use all your energy trying to get and then figure out those crinkles.

The last thing I'll take the time to mention is not something you do often, but it's so classically 'baby' I can't help but mention how you recently discovered that you have the ability to suck on your toes, and sometimes I feel like you do it just to show off, you little sweetheart you!

I love you so overwhelmingly much, little nutter, my sweetheart honeynut! Thank you for being such an amazing babidy one, an awesome personality blossoming in that itty bitty little body of yours, with so much awesomeness all about you...thank you for making life so great, sweet girl.

Love always,

Mama

{NOTE: I usually write these letters and then go through and add the pictures and publish them when I have time...due to the break in we had, I don't have access to our pictures, and it looks like it'll be a while before I can get everything in order, so I decided to go ahead and publish this sans photos, but rest assured I will revisit and add the pics in as soon as I can. I will let everyone know when this is done. Sorry for the disappointment!}

Dear Cadence, Month 37

Dear Cadence,

While I was in the kitchen cutting up a watermelon shortly after your birthday, you came into the kitchen, watched me for a moment, and then said: "Don't cut yourself, or I won't have a mommy to keep me safe!" I assured you that I was being careful, but even if I happened to cut myself I probably wouldn't die. While my heart melted a little.

You said that well before the major medical event we had this month actually took place, but I think it sets the mental scene well. We all worry about each other, and often take it to unnecessary extremes, but in the end we're all taking care of each other and doing a pretty fine job of it.

Alas, accidents can happen no matter how careful you are, and ultimately that is also just part of growing up. It was bedtime, you were lying on our bed in front of me, and it was time for your goodnight kiss. You put out your arm and I took your hand to help you up, but just as I did you flung yourself over and off the bed, jokingly running away from the goodnights...it took us quite a while to parse what had happened since you have a stoically high pain tolerance, but as best we can figure, you got hit with Nursemaid's Elbow...the ligaments in your arm slipped out of place, as is common in kids your age when they get yanked around. It's not particularly serious if dealt with right away, but it is extremely painful and should be set by someone who knows what they're doing, so off you and Baba went to make your first ever ER visit.

I of course felt AWFUL, and while I know it was an accident and no one is truly at fault, I can't help feeling immensely guilty at having played any role at all in such an unpleasant experience. I wanted to take you in myself, but Hazel is too young to go into an ER if she doesn't need to, too many potentially dangerous germs, and since she refuses a bottle I couldn't leave her home with anyone else, so I stayed home with her while Baba stuck you in your mayawrap with the platiduck under your good arm, and lovingly carried his baby girl to get the help she needed.

Thankfully all the drama cleared up relatively quickly. Evidently things slipped back into place on their own while you were waiting to see the doctor, because all of a sudden you perked up and said it didn't hurt anymore. The triage nurse had already confirmed that nursemaids was the most likely culprit, and when Baba updated her about your sudden improvement, she said that it often does fix itself on its own that way. And it's one of those merciful problems that actually does feel completely better within a few minutes of the fix. So, they let Baba take you home without waiting around anymore (it was like 2am already by the time it clicked back to normal) and called a few days later to check in and make sure it had stayed fixed without any problems, which it had, so that was that.

You are growing up so fast, and you can just taste it...the day after your birthday you started talking about how you're almost 4, you're 3 but you're going to be four...and now when we suggest that we do something -anything, really - you'll respond with some variation of "that's a good idea. let's do that when I'm 4."

One of your absolutely favorite things to do these days is to take hazel walking, holding hands. Obviously, she can't walk on her own yet, but in large part due to your influence she is gaining skills like nobody's business. You'll hold her hand, and I'll offer support around her ribcage, and the two of you will walk all over the apartment..up and down the hall, around the living room...step step step...you seem so proud of your little protege, and you offer her words of encouragement and praise, and you incorporate it into your games, and sometimes you even offer her tips, showing her where to put her feet or how to move her leg into the proper alignment. She bears weight and does all the stepping on her own, and she's getting quite good at it. You seem to be a very positive influence on her, Cadie B, your a gentle, kind, understanding teacher and that is very awesome. I'm so proud of my little bitty big girl awesome big sister Cadie B lady!!!

It is, in large part, due to the connection and closeness you have with your sister that you were able to facilitate (read: guilt me into) all four of us taking a more expensive than we can truly afford trip to Phoenix for Dan & Poonam's wedding. You were their flower girl, and once we realized how expensive it would be, we opted to send you and Baba alone. It was a tough and unlikeable decision, so it wasn't that hard to push me over the edge, but when you got sad and teary and I finally got the reason out of you, and that reason was "it just makes me really sad that my sister won't get to see me be a flower girl!" well...my heart kinda shattered and that was that. And it ended up being an AWESOME trip, and so beneficial to all of us, we're all so grateful that we had that experience...so thank you for that, my lady.

That trip is a beast and a half to talk about though, because it was so rich and rife with awesome adventures and little tidbits that are impossibly to adequately summarize. Since you guys had tickets already and I just got the cheapest deal I could find, we flew separately, which was actually kind of nice, I think, because you got to have some serious quality Baba time that you've been craving lately. You've traveled a number of times with just me, but this was the first time you got to travel with just Baba. It sounds like you guys had a really fun journey.

The day after we all arrived, Poonam invited us to come hang out with her family at her brother Jeet's house. He and his wife, Kelly, have two boys, Aidan and Kyle, and evidently (I was unable to join you because the airline lost my luggage and I had to spend the day at the mall trying to find clothes that would work for black tie and nursing at the last minute...oi) you took to them very quickly, and made fast friends. By the time I joined up with you all for the rehearsal that evening, you couldn't have cared less about us being around. And thus the overall theme of the week was set: Good Friends.

There was also one other kid in your little pack, a younger boy also named Aidan, and the four of you ran pretty loose throughout the events. I have to say it was kind of amazing to be at these big functions, but, given that they were attended only by trusted family and friends, and most of the time we were actually in Jeet and Kelly's house, we didn't have to worry much about you at all - saftey wise (Big Aidan seemed quite the valiant protector, and you were in a clean, safe environment with tons of good people about), or entertainment wise. You are SUCH a good girl, cadence, you'd check in with us, quite briefly, every 20 minutes or so, and then head right back to your playing, for hours on end. I was so pleased; you seemed to be loving it, and it meant that baba and I were more able to hang out with our friends, too, instead of chaperoning you in the playroom...which we certainly wouldn't have begrudged, but it was gratifying to see you playing with other kids.

I think you miss those kids quite a bit...whenever you hear someone say "boo" you get really excited and cry "that's Little Aidan's word! Little Aidan says boo!" and you talk about them all the time. You came away from this trip with so much...great friends, wonderful new stories, an a new understanding of what it means to be part of a pack. I love it.

And oh, Cadie B can I just say...what an AMAZING flower girl you were?? Seriously, you did it SO well... You walked slowly and didn't panic, even though the crowd was all staring, ooing, ahhing and taking pictures, you dropped petals in an even way, and behaved in a calm, mature (but classically little girl!) manner, and you even went up and handed the officiant a petal before returning to your seat (though, you still had some petals in your basket and wanted to walk back up the aisle and drop them all, but you were so good and returned to your seat next to Baba...and then, after the ceremony, once everyone left, you got back up and dropped them as you walked bak up the aisle, emptying the basket right at the end. LOVE). It was SO impressive.

Oh, and a cute little anecdote worth mentioning: when you were still a little baby, when you'd get upset you'd bend over and put the top of your head on the floor while keeping your legs straight. Because of the proportion of your limbs and torso at the time, you formed a perfect triangle with both your feet and hands flat on the floor and your arms and legs straight up and down, top of your head perfectly touching the floor. We dubbed this "pentapodding" because you looked like a tripod, but with five 'legs'...anyway, you have grown quite a bit since then and your proportion no longer allows for such theatrics. While we were at Jeet & Kelly's place, though, you were attempting to revisit it, and discovered that while you can no longer pentapod, trying to do so was a perfect lead in for a forward roll...and thus you invented what you happily declared to be "tumblepodding!"

I wasn't with you on the flights home, either, but I wanted to share with you a little blurb that Baba wrote about your trip. He writes:

"Cadence was asleep as we landed for our layover in Atlanta. We were staying on the same plane, but had a couple hours before the next flight, so I figured I'd just let her keep sleeping since we'd had to get up so early that morning. The crew was actually changing for the next flight, so we weren't technically supposed to remain on board, but a flight attendant offered to stay on until the next crew came so that Cadie could keep sleeping. Eventually, though, I decided that we should get off the plane and get some food, so I gently woke Cadence up.

"Cadence, do you want to go and get something to eat?"

*groggily* "yeah…"

"Okay, well let's get off the airplane then."

"NO! If we get off the airplane we'll have to jump and we'll fall through the air!!!"

"Oh, it's okay honey! We've already landed, we're on the ground, you were asleep."

"Oh, okay."

Sweetie.

You know what has shocked and amazed us the most this month? Your vocabulary. Your words have simply exploded this month in a way I didn't think was possibly anymore, given how much you talk and how wide your vocabulary already was. But I have plenty of quotes to help me show how mind-blowing your articulation has become in the past few weeks:

For context, you'll need to know that another favorite game you have is being a thief. Not of things, but of vegetables. Particularly leafy greens. Whatever we've prepared for the meal - arugula, spinach, lettuce, kale, beet greens, chard...you'll warn us that "there's a spinach thief about!" and then while we're eating you'll 'sneak' around to our plates and eat the greens off of them! If you're feeling particularly bold, you'll snatch it right off the fork before we can get it to our mouths! And of course, this is all in good fun, we play along and play it up because, let's face it, you're having fun and eating really healthy foods, so why knock it? If you take it too far or if for some other reason it's inappropriate, we let you know and you reign it in, albeit somewhat dejectedly, so for the most part, we let you have at it.

Here's where I finally get around to that vocabulary I was talking about: Early on this month, we were sitting down to dinner and you began to warn us about the potential thievery by saying, quite slyly: "I have a tendency to steal things."

While we were in phoenix, there was one day where we were in the car on the way to Aidan and Kyle's house, and Jeet asked who was hungry...Baba and I responded with simple answers along the line of "oo, me!" or "I am, I am!" but then here comes little 3 year old Cadence, who says with a grin "oh, I'm particularly hungry!"

Or the time I was trying to get my socks on while holding Hazel, and you sidled up next to me, pointed at them, and said: "you know, sometimes I steal things, and those are potentially my gloves."

Sometimes, though, I fear that your vocabulary is a bit of a barrier to you...not with adults, certainly, but with other kids...like the other day, when I took you to the playground, and you were trying to play with the big kids by going up to them and saying "how do you do?" and trying to hold adult conversations with them...and my lovely, as amazing as that is, it just doesn't serve you much when you're standing in the midst of a somewhat run-down inner city playground. That place is a beast unto itself...these kids are not bad kids, certainly, but there is a certain cutthroat mentality and pattern of behavior they have - and need to have, really - which I don't know how to prepare you for, and without which you will be nearly literally doomed while off in the wilds of it. You need to learn to stand up for yourself (you cannot fathom taking your own turn on the slide. You will ALWAYS get up and let someone else go before you. Which is totally sweet, except that you will do this no matter how many times the other kids go by you, and suddenly you've spent your entire playtime letting other people take your turn and you're still at the top being quietly patient. Seriously kid, sometimes we even have to yell at you to take your own turn and play. it's infuriating) but I don't think hurling you unarmed into the pit is the best way to do so.

It's times like that day, when it was just one thing after another in terms of kids choking each other, torturing one another, creating surprisingly dangerous conditions for each other, and I had to bite my tongue to keep from getting into a major spat with another mom, and then to top it all off, after you had agreed to stay on the 'baby' side of the playground which you are too big for just to avoid the brutality of the older kids, and even then you ended up with a split lip...those are the times I feel the most guilty for taking you away from your friends and family in Kentucky.

Actually, no. Those are the times I'm most aware of the differences between NYC and KY. The times I feel most guilty are the times you say things like: "mama, I miss my nana and papa and kelly...I want to see them again. When are we going to live closer so we can see them?"

way to break my heart, kid.

But then I think of all the amazing things that you do get to experience living here, and I think of the school you'll be starting soon (SO! AWESOME!) and all the wonderful opportunities being here is going to provide our whole family, and it eases the pain, just a little, and reaffirms our decision to do our best to find a way to spend summers elsewhere, or something along those lines, for the good of us all.

And then conversations like the following happen, and I think we must be doing something right, and I just get so overwhelmed with love for you...I think life is pretty derned grand, overall, my little lovebug.

Baba: "Oo, look at that cloud, Cadence! isn't it puffy?"

Cadence: "yeah, but it's in the sky, so we can't sit on it."

Love Always,

Mama

Dear Hazel: Month 3

Dear Hazel,

Time is just zipping by, it's moving so ridiculously fast I feel like I've been sucked up by a twister or something. Seriously. I don't remember time disappearing out from under me like this with Cadence...but I wouldn't change anything about it if it meant giving up the progress our family has made over the past few years. Time is moving quickly, but we're also in a position to truly enjoy every busy little moment of it. And you, my dear, are a huge joy.

This month got off to an awesome start with you truly smiling at your sister on the first day. You'd just turn and look at her and break out into this huuuuuuuuuuuuge smile, just pure glee, and it would make me sooooo giddy that I couldn't sit still, squirming with delight or dancing about, which alternately amused and worried you, I think.

You also started smiling those huge big grins at Nana and Papa and Kelly, when we'd talk to them via videochat. I wasn't sure you'd be able to discern what was happening or differentiate it from TV, but you stared SO HARD at that screen, way more interest than you've ever showed any other form of 2d electronically generated image, and as soon as you heard the familiar voices you broke out into HUGE AWESOME BABY SMILES and began bouncing up and down with glee. I'd say it's a hit.

Add it to the list of amazing things that have occurred this month. Like how you've already managed to pull down the porcupine on the gym mat enough times that is bores you, or how you can grab the wooden ball thingy that my grandpa Ed gave kelly when she was a baby, and successfully bite it without any assistance. Many objects meet this fate now, we've begun the phase of needing to be extremely careful about what's within your reach.

You've got some awesome abs, and if I've got you in a reclined position, you will work them hard to get up to sitting, and then standing, in any way that you can...if this is any indication, you're gonna be quite an athlete...seriously, baby, a 2 month old is not expected to be able to sit and stand. If it brings you joy, power to you, but otherwise...give yourself a break!

Not that you seem to want to. You get SO FRUSTRATED if you're trying to do something and it isn't working. I can see in you already a hard working, focused perfectionist, who will work to get it right but may suffer some serious angst in the process if it takes too long. We'll see how this turns out, but I see a fierce determination in you that could be either an asset or a fault depending on how its applied. I have a feeling you're going to be amazing, little one. You already are.

Especially because you are open to new ideas. One day your attempts to stand unaided didn't work, but you noticed the slight movement you got from sticking your feet on the floor anyway. You played with that for a bit...and now you're the most mobile 'non-mobile' baby I've ever encountered. You scoot around everywhere on your back...this is a problem during diaper changes, when you consistently scoot away from the diaper before I can get it fastened, and you also have a tendency to crash into the safety rail at the top...our choices are kind of spend all day relocating the baby into the diaper in a futile effort to get it on, or to let you experience the anger and frustration that you go through when you're trapped with your head against that rail for the few seconds it takes to get the diaper on...

You scoot right off the play gym almost anytime we put you on it. You spin around and around and then shoot off in whatever direction you happen to be facing. This, of course, assuming you aren't in the mood to hang out in your favorite little yoga-pose...You've certainly found your toes, and seem perfectly comfortable to spend your time with your lower half turned to the left so that hand can grab and explore those awesome toes, while your upper body turns to the right with your right arm outstretched, playing with the crinkly ladybug on the mat, or trying to grab something else, or just watching whatever else is going on in the room.

You really discovered toys in earnest the day before your sister's birthday, suddenly realizing that objects could be interesting, and manipulated. You had of course explored things prior to this, but this was the first day where I could see the gears really turning in your head-you'd set your sights on something, and actively try to get it, and you seemed remarkably focused on trying to figure out what each thing was all about.

This was just one day after you'd rolled onto your tummy for the first time. I was so proud of you, my little two month old rolling prodigy, even though I think that first time was cheating slightly, since you were holding my hand and pulling in such a way that your arm was held out so you wouldn't get stuck on it - but I didn't help with the rolling part at all, you did that all on your own. And you did manage to do it completely unassisted...on the 16th, not even two weeks later. We had a green vinyl tablecloth on the coffee table in the living room for your sister's birthday party, and we left it up for a few days afterwards in part because you LOVED that thing. You would wiggle off your mat and over to where it hung almost to the floor, and lay there batting and pulling at it until we separated you from it because it was getting too dangerous. It was during one of your forays into the land of crinkly tablecloth that you rolled all the way over without anyone touching you in any way. You didn't quite manage to get your arm out from underneath you once all was said and done, but you were solidly on your tummy, and had your head up, looking around, with this face that betrayed a giddy mix of excitement, accomplishment, surprise, frustration, bemusement, and uncertainty. After a minute of struggling with that silly stuck arm, you growled at me and rolled right back onto your back and went about your business as if that little adventure had been all in a day's work.

With all of these huge accomplishments, and the amount of work and play you pack into a day, I really shouldn't be surprised that your sleeping habits seem so grown up. You are now sleeping allll night at a stretch...You kinda doze here and there throughout the evening, and then go down around 11:00 for good, and wake up around 6:30am...and at that point my chest is so heavy I'm relieved that you're awake. Plus, those smiles you greet me with...oooo, girl you have no idea how powerful those ginormous itty bitty baby smiles are. They are magic, and they melt away any shred of annoyance I may have about being up early. You seem to be a morning person...I am not, but you're helping me learn how to be. You're amazing, little lady.

You definitely have a unique personality, my dear. It's amazing how distinct your babyhood is from your sister's, even though you share so very many traits and features. Like Cadie, you are an unbelievably sweet baby with a truly rosy disposition...but unlike her, you are a bit of a homebody.

I joke that it's a side effect of you having been a homebirth, that you're my homebody crunchy granola baby; you are a good traveler but you are clearly much more comfortable at home and get really fussy if we're away from home for too long. You also don't like having visitors in our home past around 8:00pm. You grant a bit of a grace period until around 9, but then you just get really angry and stay pissed until our guests depart, at which point you calm down as if nothing had ever been wrong.

You also DESPISE having anything plastic in your mouth. NO pacifiers for you, thank you very much. Bottle? um...no. thank you. You reject these items with your tongue and a look of befuddled disgust. These are all points in stark contrast to your sister at this age...she was a lot more fussy because she battled acid reflux as the result of a soy intolerance we didn't know about right away, but otherwise she was pretty cool with being anywhere at anytime with anyone, as long as she was with me. She was never particularly keen on the bottle, either, and generally refused to take it BUT she was pretty addicted to that pacifier of hers. So much so that we just sort of assumed you'd require one, too...but that is just one obvious example of our folly when it comes to assuming anything. You are your own person already, Hazel, and I am totally in awe and in love with you. Keep teaching us, we are here to learn as much as to teach. So far, you've been a brilliant teacher.

Speaking of your sister, you are totally enamored of her. You want to do everything she does...which is how we got you to take a couple sips from a bottle one day, she was pretending to be a baby and using a bottle-like sippy cup, and you kept trying to get it, so I pumped some milk and put it in a bottle, and baba gave it to you...you were SO excited for a few seconds as you watched Cadence drink and then got that nipple in your mouth...but that excitement quickly turned to disgust and that was that. But you do love to play with her however you can, in your somewhat limited capacity.

Take, for instance, your walks...she'll hold your hand while I support you by the ribs, and you two will walk down the hall together that way...it's remarkably endearing, and you seem to absolutely adore it. I mean, you will walk like that on your own whenever I let you, and to have her involved just seems to totally make your day. And this walking? it's kinda genuine. Like, you support your weight, and put one foot in front of the other and usually don't get your legs tangled or step on yourself. I have been quite impressed.

Cadence hurt her arm last week, and Baba ended up taking her to the ER just to make sure it wasn't serious. It was the first time you had ever had to do bedtime alone, and ho boy did you not like it. You could feel the worried energy in the room and the absence of half the family, and despite your exhaustion you would not let me put you down, not for a moment. You'd sleep in my arms or cuddled into me as I laid beside you, but you would wake up terrified if I tried to put you in your crib or got up myself. I can't really blame you, either, lovely. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't want to be alone, either. As it was, I think I needed your cuddles as much as you needed mine.

I admit, I was a little worried before you were born, since Cadence and I are such good buddies, and have been through so much together...I was afraid that you wouldn't get to have that experience of being so close on an individual level, and being such a strong team. But I'm happy to report that my worry was unwarranted, and you and I have forged a really awesome relationship that develops new nuances daily. Now that I'm in it I realize that the relationship I have with you and the relationship I have with your sister are like puzzle pieces in a way...separate, unique, but they fit together, compliment and complete each other in a dynamic but solid way, and really I guess that's what all family is - a complex series of intertwined interpersonal relationships that bind everyone together. By extension, that's what a community should be as well, but that doesn't always translate from the theory to practicality these days where anonymous contribution - positive or negative - is a ready option, and it becomes many individual personas operating in a void. I hope that changes before you're old enough to get caught up in it, little one, because it can be a lonely and vicious world sometimes. Which is why I find it so important to have good strong familial relationships now, so you'll always have that to hold on to. I love you SO much, little Hazelnutter.

You and your pretty little silly eyelashes...Your eyelashes are taking the whole "half mom/half dad" thing seriously...the outer half of your lashes curls like mine, but the inner half are very straight, just like your Baba...this what seems to have settled after you had one eye full of curly lashes and one eye full of straight lashes for a while. The nuances I never would have thought to expect!

You seem to have a thing for your Baba's hair, actually. You LOVE to grab it, and I often discover you with itty bitty fists clasped around pieces of his hair even when he's not home. I swear you save them for when he's at work and you miss him. I'll find you with strands of Baba hair at all hours of the day, no matter how long it's been since you've seen him.

Yesterday marked another huge first in your life, little lady, as you took your very first (and then second) airplane flight! I was very nervous beforehand, especially because it wasn't a direct flight, but you did an excellent job, my dear, and I was SO proud of you.

We're in Phoenix, AZ now, here for a four day long wedding extravaganza for our dear friends Danial and Poonam. Its kind of strange to me that you haven't yet met them, they've been living in Spain for the past year and came straight here upon their return. Anyway, it'd been a crazy couple days...we'd decided it was too expensive for all four of us to come, but your sister is their flower girl and so you and I were planning on staying home while Baba took Cadence on this adventure...but we were all somewhat saddened by that decision...and when Cadence told me, tearfully, that it made her very sad that you wouldn't get to see her be a flower girl, well it shook my resolve to the core and I ended up getting a relatively good deal from priceline.com, which is why your adventure yesterday consisted of multiple flights and was with just Mama.

We had a really good day, all in all. You were a perfect little traveller, happy to play with me through whatever was thrown at us, flight delays, lost baggage (even your carseat...we still don't have it back, hopefully it'll be arriving soon...), extreme temperatures...the only time you got fussy at all was during our first descent, you weren't interested in nursing and I couldn't get you to suck on anything else, and there was a lot of pressure building up in your ears as a result. It'd build up, you'd get upset and start to cry, which would make you open your mouth wide and salivate, so you'd swallow, and then upon feel the pop of equalizing pressure, you'd stop crying abruptly, like, oh, that's better, ok now! but would of course get upset again a few minutes later when pressure would again mount...

Thankfully, you nursed for both takeoff and landing during the second leg of our flight, and you made friends with the folks sitting next to us on both flights. You even lasted for more than half the trip from the airport to the hotel strapped into the dreaded (loaner) car seat before you began screaming your little head off. We're going to be doing a decent amount of driving while we're here, so I hope you'll adjust and get used to it...it's torture for all involved when we have to put you in a seat right now...it makes my heart hurt and you just seem SO betrayed...oh I hate it!

Anyway, this letter has gotten away from me now, and we have plenty to do and lots of smiles and games to share...you were remarkably happy this morning to see your sister and baba here, and I think we're in for a great weekend, delayed luggage or no.

Thank you so much for sharing this adventure with me, Hazelnut, and thank you so much for being you: an awesome, sweet, wonderful little child that I am nothing short of blessed to have in my life, as part of our kick-ass family, and as a wise old teacher with endless heart.

Love Always,

Mama

Dear Cadence: Month 36

Dear Cadence

Another birthday? I am so not prepared for this! HOW ARE YOU GROWING SO MUCH?????

Well, my dear, however you're doing it, you're doing it quite well. Happy 3rd birthday, my love!

The most consistent theme of the past month has been a continued and increased sense of commraderie with your sister. You're looking forward to sharing a room with her, and as I left the room with her after putting you to bed the other night, instead of your usual protests you called after me: "Sweet dreams, Hazel!" Of course, you would rather that I'd left her there, since a big thing for you has been wanting hazel to stay with you at night. You're super proud of her, and still tell absolutely everyone your encounter, whether you know them or not, that you just had a new baby sister! Then you introduce her and talk at length about how you take care of her...it's really sweet and remarkable...though it does have a tendency to slow us down a bit. It takes a long time to have that conversation with so many people in the course of a single commute!

Our journey to go walk Charlie begins each day with these introductions to anyone else who happens to be waiting for the bus with us in the shade of the little tree down on the corner. These conversations exhausted, your attention usually turns to the Dunkin' Donuts that sits on the corner across the street. I think because it's got funky bubble letters in cute colors, and you can see it while sitting on the steps of the apartment building by the bus stop, usually without leaving the shade, that you've latched on to this one particular sign, but each day we'll look at it and you'll read out each letter; first the orange word, then the pink one, spelling out D-U-N-K-I-N' D-O-N-U-T-S...you only have trouble with the 'K', because in its bubble-font form it looks a bit too much like an 'x' for your taste, but even that doesn't really trip you up much anymore. I've been doing my darndest lately to try to get you to take it the next step and sound out the letters to figure out what they spell, alas, you inevitably get about halfway through one word (whichever you've chosen to start with) and decide you're "tired" of reading and want to do something else. Which is fine, I'd rather keep it lighthearted for now, I know that if I persist without pushing you will eventually figure it all out. I just hope you enjoy the journey.

And you have certainly been learning! You've been practicing your writing a lot lately, and are learning how to spell very simple words. Especially your name...you know how to spell it, though you usually get coy when we ask you or point out that you know. You can write very recognizable letters, when you're in the mood...A is one of your favorites to write, your 'c's are coming along nicely, and D, H, V, E, F are all decent, but you claim your favorite is W. (Your M's aren't bad either...O and P...basically most of your letters are there, to varying degrees of execution, but I'm plenty proud regardless. You only just turned 3. You're doing just fine.

Your precociousness is growing with your age, too, in ways that are often at once heartwarming and squirm-worthy...you certainly keep us on our toes, kiddo. Like how you have taken to tricking me into letting you wake Baba up when he's sleeping but you want to play with him. You'll know that you're supposed to let him sleep, but you also know that sometimes I will give you permission to wake him up - though usually I only do that if it's a certain time, like after 9am, for example, but I guess you wouldn't really know that outright...but anyway, you'll do things to get me to say something that you can them creatively interpret as permission to wake him up. For instance, the other day you found his goggles, brought them to me and, knowing full well who's they were, asked me who they belonged to. I told you they were Baba's and you said that you would give them to him. I thought you meant you'd give them to him when he got up, so I said ok...but instead you ran into the bedroom and woke him up to give him the goggles. Smart kid.

That said, you are generally a remarkably considerate kid. You think of others before yourself more often than not, and statements like this one are commonplace: After I poured you some orange juice, you berated me for giving you too much, and said: "I only wanted a little 'cause if I drank it all up there wouldn't be any for you and baba, and I want you guys to have some, too."

You also do a remarkable job of explaining yourself to us...the best example I have of this is a bit odd, but it certainly works...you and baba were playing some game and you wanted him to ride a broomstick like a witch. He was pretending not to know how as part of the game, and so you were trying to give him very clear instructions. It was a difficult task, it is kind of a strange thing to describe, and after a couple of less than successful attempts, you thought about it for a moment before very authoritatively telling him: "You put it under your penis," and then, as you demonstrated stepping onto the broomstick to prepare to ride, you thought to clarify, adding "I'm a girl, so I put it under my vulva." and then off you went, leaving your parents in awe of your blunt truth.

Your play has certainly evolved into a very complicated undertaking...you have characters, stories, costumes, settings, very varied endeavors...you have some consistent rules, like how you use the term "honey" to refer to a child ("this is my honey!" you'll say, or "no, that one's the mama, and this is her honey.") and the term "love" to refer to a spouse ("that one is her love, and this is their honey.") But some rules only apply to some games...and sometimes its more of a class of games, if that makes sense. You have a class of games revolving around "the cake making show" (Food Network Challenge). You have a recurring character that is the Princess of Cakes, and sometimes I hear you declaring "3-2-1 stop your work!" Sometimes you'll be building with your blocks and I will ask you what you're working on and you'll tell me "it's a cake that looks like a building!" You certainly seem to enjoy that one. I always find it endearing when you turn to me and ask "is the cake making show on?"

I predict a lot of fancy cakes in our future. Probably not this year, though...your Nai nai is very excited to make you your birthday cake this year (your party isn't until the 11th). As per your very specific request, it's going to be a chocolate cake with GREEN frosting. We didn't have cake today, but we didn't need it...we've had QUITE the adventure today already. After walkin' charlie (and having a great day in general) we headed to the Museum of Natural History so that you could see the 'dead dinosaurs'. You were SO excited, and it was wonderful to get to experience it with you, little lady. I have to admit, I've always been a bit creeped out by the fossils, and have never spent much time in that room or enjoyed the experience of seeing fossilized skeletons before, but getting to see it through your eyes, it was fascinating and SO MUCH FUN...I genuinely enjoyed my time there, and you certainly enjoyed yours...thank you for that gift Cadie B...that was a truly unique experience that was totally something you taught to me. Beautiful.

We had such a great time that day, starting off with the folks at the bus stop giving you your own dollar for your birthday, and then at the museum (which you oh so cutely pronounce "muse-EE-ya-yum") the first security guard we met was so kind and played with you, the second let us in for free since it was your birthday, the third picked you up after you fell and broke the bucket (full of plastic sea creatures) that you'd picked out from the gift shop as your birthday gift, and raced through the closing museum, cinematically radioing other gurads to open locked doors and winding through off-limits exhibits, just to get you a new bucket...it was truly amazing and such a great show of good humanity. And then at shack shake (uptown) after that, they gave you a free custard without even knowing it was your birthday...you are a special lady honeybug, and everyone can see it.

Baba had to work that day, but your sister and I LOVED getting to hang out and celebrate with you all day long. watching you chase pigeons in the park afterwards, and play with other kids there...what a great day.

and ending it all in song...oh Cadence I can't describe how much it means to me that you have started wanting me to sing to you every night again. I spent so much (all) of your babyhood singing to you constantly, it has been a little sad in this interim time when you refused to let me sing, but I respected your wishes and let you alone...now we're building music back into our daily routine and it just feels very right. Thank you for this gift, too.

Oh, and it's also very gratifying to hear you belting Moonshadow at the top of your lungs. I have very distinct memories of what if felt like and the images in my head when my dad would sing me that song when I was little, and for whatever reason I couldn't wait to sing that particular song to you when you were born...I expected it to feel somehow different, to be on the other side of it, but instead I quickly found that I got the same comfort and feelings from singing it to you as I did from hearing my dad sing it to me. It has kind of been 'our song' ever since, too.

Thank you, also, for that gift, my amazing, 3 year old girl.

I love you SOOOOOOOOOOOO much, my ladybug.

Here's to many more amazing years.

Love Always,

Mama