Thursday, March 2, 2017

the kids and grief

I just stumbled across this in my unfinished drafts folder, and couldn't NOT share it.  I suddenly remember all of these things as I sit here, and the tears I find on my cheeks here feel weirdly comforting.  I find myself saying, out loud "I love you Mommy!"


And of course, there is grief for the children, too.  I would occasionally find the work "Nana" spelled out in random places, and Cadence found a piece of art created by a family friend for mom in her last days, and solemnly and wordlessly presented it to me and then gave it a place of honor in the bedroom where she could see it.  It took her several months to be able to verbally admit that she missed her and was sad, and she confessed that seeing her things was painful.  Hazel's approach has been to talk about it all quite matter-of-factly.  "Nana liked to play this game with me, but now she can't play anymore because she's dead, right?" And Calliope...well, perhaps her young age puts her more in touch with the spiritual realm, because she continued to have conversations with someone who wasn't there and refer to Nana and point to an empty space for weeks. Around mother's day I heard her say "bye Nana!" and I haven't heard her having any such conversations since.  I am actually willing to believe she was there, even though I know it sounds totally nuts...There were times where I could feel her presence, and twice we awoke to find a bedroom curtain had been opened and tied up while we slept, and once I couldn't sleep because I was having an allergy-induced asthma attack and all of a sudden my air purifier turned on and turned itself up to "turbo" mode seemingly of its own accord.  (It has no automatic settings.)