Mama's Christmas Gift

Calliope had a really REALLY hard time falling asleep tonight, and it didn't seem to be just the usual Christmas Eve jitters; the poor kid was sobbing for a LONG time. We tried everything...music, mama cuddles, sister cuddles, baba cuddles, my dad even brought his guitar in to play to her, we tried stories, you name it...nothing was working. She was inconsolable and part of the problem was that she was feeling guilty for being inconsolable...she kept saying it was just so hard to calm down even though she didn't have a reason to be upset anymore, which made her cry harder. We talked about it for a bit, but then!! Oh, then came this amazing exchange that was such a huge gift to this mama's heart; I can't believe this is a real thing that just happened. Today we saw (fiasco's AMAZING production of ) into the woods; and Sondheim is right:  Children will listen.

Calliope: 

Mama, sometimes the bad feelings just push into you even when you are already trying to calm down and you dont know why

Me:

Well the important thing is that you are able to recognize that, so you can start to understand that the bad feelings aren't you, and let them go.

Cadence:

Calliope, breathe out whatever is bothering you with each breath.

Hazel:

And think about the good things that make you happy every time you breathe in.

Cadence: 

Yeah, with every breath take in the happy thoughts as you breathe in and as you breathe out let go of all the bad thoughts that are making you grumpy and sad.

Hazel:

 Calliope, think about all the good things you want to do with your life, and focus on that.

Calliope:

 Or you can just swallow the bad stuff.

Hazel: 

Oh but no, if you swallow it it will just go inside you.

Cadence:

 And you don't want it trapped inside you, then you'll never feel better.

Hazel: 

Just breathe.

Cadence:

Like this.

All three start breathing calmly and deeply. The cats come and sit on them. All theee are sound asleep in under 10 minutes.

Unbelievable. They blow my mind...I adore my amazing, compassionate, thoughtful children, and I'm so glad they are actually gathering the tools they will need to make the best of this crazy life.

Happy Holidays, all.
With so. Much. Love.

We are not our bodies, by Hazel

"Mom, sometimes I feel like...I don't really know how to explain it. It's like, it's my body, but it's not me...like wow, I can move these arms and this body, but I am not my body. Like maybe there is one molecule inside that is actually me, and the rest is just...like I can control it, but that one molecule that's me is surprised and doesn't know how it's doing it, because it's like...operating it. and sometimes It's like, my body is here but I'm over there looking at it."

-Hazel Rose, age 6.

I can't describe how much I love this kid.

OMG I think my babies are little growing up people now!!!

I don't know who taught them to pose like that.

My kids and I spent a few hours today at the east coast distribution center. Though they could have stayed in the comfort of the air conditioned van, and played, or done workbook pages, or listened to the radio, they insisted that they wanted to help (even though it meant being outdoors in the weird 80 degree whether in early March that was "just too hooooooot!"...)

So cool...

It was a gentle reminder of not only the intelligence and love children possess and the capabilities they have to rise to the occasion, but of how lucky we are to have the relative safety and comfort that we enjoy in our own lives...watching them work, I got a glimpse of them in the opposite situation; were we in the shoes of the refugees, my amazing kiddos would be the kids - like so many Carry The Future has already encountered - helping each other out, keeping things light for their fellow travelers, and prevailing even when the family is sadly separated along the way.

Even carrying younger siblings when they have to.

These are kids just like ours, rising to meet horrid, unfair needs, and making it work. 

Actually caught a candid of them in action! You can barely see them but all three are in there actually working, the littlest asked to be in charge of collecting and sorting the 'trash'-all the silica packets, plastic bags, and discarded papers - while her sisters busied themselves opening the boxes, pulling out the carriers, removing the tags and directions from them, and putting them into the appropriate bags.

Can you imagine that here in America? Our schoolchildren forced to suddenly take on a grown up independence for their own sake and for the sake of each other, on a long, dangerous journey to the unknown?

My 8 year old carried her 3 year old sister around in a carrier (which was very part of a very large, generous donation given to CTF by Evenflo! So wonderful!) for a bit today, to illustrate what is so hard for us to fathom.

I think Cadence's face says it all here.

All three kiddos took their roles opening and sorting carriers very seriously (except that they giggled the whole time, which is admittedly not very serious!) 

Of course it *was* a race to see if they could finish the jobs they'd chosen before I finished everything I was doing...which I was not informed of until AFTER I lost. 

My kids helped me out for real today, and we only stopped because we couldn't fit any more recycling in our car! 

Seriously took us a solid 15 minutes just to pull it all out of the trunk and stick it in the bins.

(And of course they all insisted on helping with the recycling too; which admittedly took a little more assistance from the lone grown up in the mix.)

Actually Cadence figured out a way to do it unassisted...just took some skill and careful aim or it'd bounce right back at her.  She found a good rhythm pretty quick, though!

While she technically *could* do a variation of Cadence's trick, Hazel decided to conserve her energetically resources and just had me lift her up after the first one. Smart choice.

Calliope wanted very much to help with this too, but -probably in protest to my assistance - she would only do it if she was  stepping as hard as she could into my stomach for completely useless traction.

There is so much to be done, but my heart is actually soaring as I realize how much this work that my kids chose to do is going to help the helpers -kids, parents, extended relatives, caring friends - make that awful journey that much easier, safer, more sound...or at the very least, more comfortable.

In solidarity,

Kat

(And Cadence, Hazel, and Calliope)

Callie and I testing out the new evenflo carrier design.  Seems to be a general thumbs up, I'd say!  Thank you, evenflo!!!

Feel it in your Elbows...

Hazel asked me a series of questions just now about what things were made of...went through plastics, and petroleum and...at the end of this discussion she concluded that glitter is basically decomposed dinosaurs.

...and I then heard her tell Calliope (quite soothingly, while leading a yoga-like meditative session during which they were both covered in glitter):

"...and bend your arms and feel the dead dinosaur body in your elbows..."

Cadence & Hazel's Christmas wish list: a trialogue.

Cadence:  I want blue whales to be saved.

Hazel:  I want penguins to be saved.

Cadence:  I also want some new christmas socks.  Um, that's all, I can't think of anything else for now.

Me: Hazel, is there anything else you want to add to your christmas list?

Hazel:  No!

Well, I guess we must be doing SOMETHING right!

More Waterbirth Wonders

Hazel gently holding her new baby sister's tiny foot

Birth is such a wonderful and transformative experience.  At least, it can (and, dare I say it -should) be.  Calliope is my third child, and my second child born peacefully at home, in the water.  Once again, I loved it, though it was actually quite different than the last time!

I went into a lot of detail about why I chose to do a home waterbirth when I wrote about Hazel's birth, so I won't go into all of that here, but if you're curious about it - or want to know more about my first two birth stories - you can read that little novella HERE.

Calliope is such a little wonderbabe.  She has just been such a huge joy, to ALL of us, since her happy arrival a few days ago...I can hardly wrap my brain around how amazing this whole process has been.

So here's how it all went down:

The first awesome moments of life

The day hurricane Sandy rolled through, I'm pretty sure I could have triggered labor if I hadn't been so extremely overly cautious. (What?  I was a little nervous about the prospect of ending up in labor in the middle of a historically destructive storm with no power or water (NO BIRTH TUB!) and no way for my midwives to reach me...) As it was, I started getting contractions that day, with no rhythm or rhyme to them whatsoever, and while they didn't build or get any more consistent or regular, they also didn't stop completely from the day of the full moon until the day before the birth actually took place-10 days later.

(Well, almost, anyway. The day before she arrived we went to Bed Bath & Beyond to get some stuff to make mom's post-op recovery at home a bit easier, and as we ambled through the store at about 3pm, I noticed that the contractions weren't changing as I changed activities anymore.  I decided baby would be coming that night one way or the other, dag gummit, and decided to do all of the 'natural triggers' I could think of that were known to kickstart labor if the kid was actually ready.  As soon as I finished cooking my chinese eggplant in garlic sauce dish, they disappeared entirely. Go figure.)

Anyway, I woke up at about 2:35am on November 8, and was mostly just annoyed that I was awake.  I was having really intense contractions, but that was nothing new after the last couple weeks of waking up contracting only to have them dissipate after I emptied my bladder.  Plus, I think I'd been aware of my contractions in my dreams, which I was having trouble shaking, so nothing seemed odd to me at the time.  I used the bathroom and crawled back into bed, aware at this point that these were different, since my trip to the bathroom hadn't changed anything.  Aware on some level that it was labor, so I should get some rest, I tried to go back to sleep.  I figured Baby would come sometime in the morning.  Mairi and Erin (the two lovely women at M.A.M.A.s Midwifery who had graciously taken me into their practice when I suddenly moved into their area in my third trimester) had instructed me to call them if I was awake for an hour with contractions, so I tried to rest and figured I'd call them around 3:30 if I really couldn't sleep.

But I quickly discovered laying down was not so comfortable. And every time I had a contraction, Hazel would grab onto me and fuss in her sleep...

I got up and walked around, breathed through them, and noticed that I didn't get much of a break between them.  I somehow managed, in all my baby-prep over the course of the 40 weeks + that I had been pregnant, not to download a contraction timing app as I had planned, so I figured what better time than now?

Except that I couldn't.  The contractions were coming so fast and strong I couldn't focus on finding a decent app.  So I did the natural thing and woke James up to do it for me.  He did, though I'm guessing it was mostly superfluous, since I ended up only timing contractions for oh, 20 minutes, tops?  We also looked up who was on call at that hour, and I broke down and called Erin at 3:15. I hadn't even begun to time them yet so I was afraid that I wouldn't have enough info to give her, but I think my voice on the phone as we talked probably gave her all the info she needed.  She said she'd start gathering her things and we'd see how it went.

The first thing James asked when I woke him was if he should start filling up the birth pool.  I had said no, but now began to rethink that answer.  Once I got off the phone, I asked him to set it up, and all of a sudden, up pops Hazel as if it was 3:20 in the afternoon, not 3:20 in the morning, and she declares "I want to help!" and so James had little miss sunshine by his side as he staggered out of bed to set it up.  She gave me a big, awesome, excited hug before tending her duties, and I felt so connected with that little amazel, and so glad she was there and so involved and eager.

Hazel Amazel, on the job!

While they worked, I set about trying to reach Liz, my dear friend and a midwifery student herself, who was going to be present for the birth.  My many attempts at reaching her were unsuccessful...

Mom woke up to the noise of James and Hazel inflating the tub in the living room, and came in to find me.  I wanted my bouncy ball, so eventually we all ended up in the living room except for Cadence, who was still fast asleep.  The ball helped, a lot, but these contractions were still coming super fast and super strong, and I was still kinda groggy and was having trouble relaxing into them as easily as I had been able to during Hazel's birth.  I tried writing an "it's happening" blog post as I had done before, but I got about as far as opening the blogger app on my phone before I abandoned the phone entirely, timing app, inability to reach Liz and all...

The ball wasn't helping as much as it had been before and it crossed my mind that my body wanted me to push.  "Not yet" I thought, "there's no way, it's too soon.  Maybe I just need to go to the bathroom."  So I did.  While I was in there, Mom passed by the door carrying Carmen, and she was muttering to her about 'not doing that'...turns out Carmen was intrigued by something in the tub, and attacked it...no visible punctures, buuuut....

I went in to wake Cadence up at probably 3:45.  That kid is such a heavy sleeper, it took me three contractions to get her up!  I tried sitting on the inflatable Rody horse that she'd left by the side of the bed in lieu of the ball (which was still in the other room) which only kind of worked, but amused me nonetheless.  Cadence was sooo happy when she finally woke up enough to understand what I was saying to her, and gave me the biggest, most encouraging hug before dashing off to help fill the pool.

Best. Helpers. Ever.

I returned to my ball, then back to the bathroom, all the while reminding myself to let it out on sound.  I wasn't truly letting the sound travel through me this time though, (probably because I was holding back to avoid pushing), so while it helped it wasn't the wundertool it had been last time.  The tub was still filling, and I was tempted to tell James to hurry it up...but that really wouldn't have done any good, 'cause he can't make the water flow any faster...

Using the bathroom helped...maybe...just a tad...but I found myself returning to it very soon after I left, and it was during this second visit that I hit the "get the cloth OFF ME!" stage where I couldn't stand clothes anymore, so I abandoned the oversized T-shirt I was wearing on the bathroom floor.  At some point in there I told James that I needed him to call Erin and tell her I was wrong, this birth was gonna happen a lot sooner than I had previously thought...Luckily she'd listened to my voice, not my words, when I told her I didn't think she needed to rush over here, because she reported that she was already getting off the beltway and would be arriving momentarily.  It was becoming harder and harder not to give in to the urge to push, which meant I was resisting my body's natural impulses instead of relaxing into them, and that made it all a bit more scary and painful.

I knew the water would help, so I climbed into the tub even though it wasn't quite full and was a bit too hot, and the relief was instantaneous.  It is truly unbelievable how immediate and palpable the relief is as soon as you get in the water.  It was perfectly heavenly.  Until I realized I still had that freakishly intense urge to push...and then, after a couple more contractions wherein I didn't give in, my body began to push naturally.  I was resistant, mostly because I was not mentally prepared - my midwife hadn't arrived yet and this was all going so fast and I hadn't even gotten myself into the trance-state I spent most of my labor with Hazel in...I think I actually said "No" or "oh no" or something to that effect out loud - which I guess raised some sort of red flag for me, because after that I was able to take a moment to assess the situation and realize that, while Erin wasn't there yet (Mairi was attending another birth that evening and wouldn't be able to join us) she was on her way, and I knew that I was safe, that I could do this, that it was ok to follow my body's lead and trust it, and kind of gave myself permission to not wait and follow someone else's schedule...after that things got much easier.

The phone rang during that intense contraction. It was Erin, confirming our door code to give to her birth assistant, Susan.  Erin said afterwards that her phone recorded that call as taking place at 4:04am.  In retrospect, I'm pretty sure it was that prolonged, intense contraction when my water broke - though I was admittedly unaware of it at the time.

I had some (organic trader joe's) pink lemonade mixed with seltzer on a table within my reach, and normally I love that (in fact, since the birth it has become a pretty serious obsession...I can't get enough!) but for whatever reason, that was completely unappealing in that moment.  I was getting super thirsty, but I really, really didn't want to ask for water because James' presence at the side of the tub was feeding me so much support, I did not want him to move, and mom was busy with the girls just then.  I can't explain how much connection I felt there...I have a fairly vivid memory of seeing him sitting beside the pool, but in analyzing that image it can't possibly be an actual visual recall, because he was sitting to the side and slightly behind me, and I had my eyes closed for most of it anyway...I must have just felt his presence so strongly my brain interpreted it as 'seeing' him there.

I did eventually give in and request water, and when he got up to go the room felt noticeably colder, somehow.  I was so glad when he came back, both for the water, and for the emotional hug his presence gave me.  I made my way to one side of the tub and kind of draped myself over the edge, resting my head on the side as I let the contractions roll through me. I was doing a better job of letting my body do what it needed to, and letting it out on sound, but I still had one major hangup:  I was feeling rectal pressure and my monkey-mind was all up in arms about that being the wrong direction, and I was feeling miserable and not giving in to what my body needed to do.

It was about this time that Erin arrived.  Having her steady, experienced presence enter the space was relieving - it was like struggling with a question and finally being able to discuss it with a trusted guru...she wasn't going to give me any answers or do the hard part for me, but her wisdom and experience was there for me to draw upon, and that felt like such a gift.

She hit the ground running, and, after telling me that, if I was still in the position I was in when the baby came, I should just sit back and bring the baby up in front of me, apologetically asked me if I could shift just a bit so she could better reach to check the baby's heart rate.  I told her I could move anywhere, as long as I wasn't in the middle of a contraction!  I really was still totally fine between contractions, and was excited that this was finally happening...though the contractions were coming so close together at this point that I didn't really have much time between them anyhow.  A quick listen and she declared that Baby sounded perfectly happy, but the water was a bit too hot, so we added some cold water to the tub and carried on.  Erin stepped behind me to the other side of the pool, and sort of embedded herself in the side of my consciousness...she was there, present, part of this support system holding me up, but not prominent or a focal point in any way.  It was just what I needed.

I was quietly aware of the buzzy excited energy of the girls, which, though they were being amazingly reverent and pretty calm and quiet, was feeding me plenty of positive, up-beat energy even as I began to consciously turn my focus to an inner calm.  I could feel the extremely primal comfort of my mother's presence in the room - calming, supporting, perhaps worrying just a tad, but only to a healthy, loving degree and nothing troubling...I was so grateful to have them all there, welcoming love and support from my surrounding generations...It really was a gift.  I am very thankful that this lady graced us with her arrival while mom was still here to help us welcome her.  While I'm sure everything would have gone just fine even if she hadn't been here, it wouldn't have been the same.  And the way she came was pretty perfect.

Right about this time, each of our three feline family members made their presence known to me, too...just for a moment, and I don't even know how exactly, but I became aware of each of them, individually, stationed throughout the room - though I couldn't tell you where they were...I just took note that all three were there, which surprised me a bit, since they'd all been a bit skittish since Puy's amputation, and Carmen and Puy had both been quite reclusive, especially when there were lots of people around...but all three of them were there with me in the room, too - even Puy in all her 3 legged post-op bad haircut glory...and it was wonderfully uplifting.

Which made me realize that my only hangups now were totally psychological, and I needed to let go in order to make this happen painlessly.  I told Erin about my irrational fear of my urge to push being in the wrong direction, and while she responded very sweetly about it being a totally normal fear and not needing to worry about it, just voicing it had allowed me to let go, and by the time she was into her speech, my body had moved on.

I admit, though, that I did hit a moment of despair and panic.  It happened approximately 30 seconds before the baby crowned.  As I mentioned, I was not at all in the trance-like 'labor state' that I achieved during my last birth...with this labor, there was no time to ease myself into that hypnotic state, I really just woke up in the thick of it with the really intense contractions, and everything happened so quickly I barely had time to process what was going on, and as such, everything was much more vividly 'real' to me on a conscious level this time...no swirling surges of energy or one-ness with the water, just me, in my living room, surrounded by the physical presence of my loved ones, experiencing what I was experiencing.  And right after I had surrendered that fear to Erin and began to let my body do what it needed to do,  I got hit with the most intense pressure that I could possibly imagine and my mind nosedived even as I surrendered to it; I was suddenly acutely aware that, while this would pass and I'd be fine, it SUCKED right then, and I was present enough to be, well, present in it, and that meant I was stuck with it...I was solidly in the moment, and had to just experience this, and 'this' was extremely uncomfortable.  (Not painful, necessarily - oddly enough it registered as discomfort more than pain.) There was no escape, and I didn't know how long it would go on.

But, before the thought even had time to complete itself in my brain, suddenly all that pressure I'd been resisting proved itself right and I could feel the baby in the birth canal...it wasn't "the wrong direction", it was the baby trying to move past in her descent!  Suddenly I got it, and fully gave in to it...in that same push I could feel her features as she traveled all the way down the canal and I felt the 'ring of fire' for less time than it took me to notice (literally, my brain said "ring o-"before the sensation had moved on)...Suddenly I knew we were just about done, her head was emerging! I reached down and put my hand on her head and tried to relax and not rush...I could feel her hair, I could feel the realness of her, my mind was on overdrive and I found myself saying something along the lines of "that's my baby's head! I'm holding my baby's head..." mostly, I think, as a way to steady myself and keep myself grounded, present, in the moment.  I had a brief moment between contractions, and then I could feel her moving again...I started to move backwards, I could hear James telling me to take my time, and not hurt myself (a reference to Hazel's birth, where I more or less consciously pushed her out knowing that I'd tear if I didn't wait for one more contraction) and I was amused and glad he said that, I tried to just chill and let her ease out...I could feel her spin as she emerged, I could feel her face with my fingers...Erin said something about small gentle pushes, and I tried that too, but she was sliding out of her own accord, so quickly...and then it was done, I sat back and saw the whole baby gently floating up towards me.  I scooped her up, it felt almost non-chalant, and I held her to my chest and marveled at her as she looked up at me like..."ok, what's this?"

Blurry, but I love it nonetheless...the glee of baby's grand arrival!! (photo thanks to my mom!!)

It was amazing.  And it was done.  It was 4:22am.  I hadn't even been in labor for 2 full hours.  Both girls were with James beside me, and together we all marveled at that sweet new life in my arms.  James said something to Cadence and Hazel about now being able to find out if it was a girl or a boy...which reminded me to check, 'cause I was lost in her little face at that moment.  Her serene little eyes taking it all in, and clearly wanting to go back to sleep.  I did check, obviously: "it's another girl!"

Glad to be here

She gave a couple good cries shortly thereafter, but that was it.  Otherwise she was content to cuddle with me and let this craziness unfold.  Susan, the birth assistant, arrived several minutes later, and offered us our first congrats.  Calliope and I stayed in the birth tub until I delivered the placenta, then got out and settled in on the couch.  It was splendid. Amazing.  I felt grand.  I wasn't even tired. I was totally on a natural high (James looked at me at one point quite a while later and just said "your pupils are so dilated right now..."), and loving life.  Calliope nursed (like a champ!) and once the cord stopped pulsing, James cut it. (Mairi and Erin had warned us ahead of time that they do it a little differently than most folks are used to..they left about 4 inches of cord attached to her belly, which, I guess due to increased surface area allowing more moisture to be wicked away, allows the cord to dry out & fall away much more quickly.  They weren't kidding - Calliope's cord fell of on day 3!) They checked me out (blood pressure low, but that's normal for me, everything else looked great.) Erin & Mairi had told us beforehand that, in their experience, mothers who put their hands on their babies' heads as they crowned, and then delivered into their hands were far less likely to tear - and even if they did, the tears tend not to be as bad, so I was cautiously hopeful that I wouldn't need to be stitched this time...but I was still (pleasantly!) surprised when Erin informed me that there was a teensy tear that didn't even warrant fixing, especially if I iced it...so I did that. No stitches!  Fabulous!!

I can't help thinking she looks like a much cuter version of the Face of Bo in this one...wise old (smiley!) soul!

Erin also checked the placenta - it was whole, and it did have some definite calcification, which meant that it was older and was beginning to lose its functionality-but no danger yet, so Calliope came at a good time.  She also had deep lines on the bottoms of her feet, and long fingernails -both of which are additional signs of being well-cooked! Interestingly, though, she also arrived with nice coating of vernix, which you usually only see in babies born at a younger gestational age...so I take these contradicting indicators to mean that she arrived at precisely the right moment for her.  Good job, kid.

It's been unseasonably warm for November...

Hazel decided she wanted to go back to bed, and Cadence stayed up to help Erin check out and measure Calliope (13.5" head circumference, weighing 7lbs 1oz, and 20" long). She checked her all out (the word "perfect" was tossed out at some point) and my wonderful family made sure I had plenty to eat and drink (that eggplant dish was exactly what I wanted...as was that pink lemonade & seltzer!).  Susan departed, and we chatted with Erin while she did her paperwork and such.  Turns out mine was the 4th labor in 2 days, and I'd woken poor Erin up a mere hour after she'd gone to bed after returning home from another birth...and she had to be at a conference by 8am.  (When we saw her again two days later for a follow up, mom jokingly asked if she'd finally gotten to sleep.  She said no.  Evidently all their November moms gave birth in the same week*. [Liz quipped that it was Mercury being in retrograde.]  And Mairi was still with the same poor mom who had been in labor when I was.  Just goes to show, every birth is unpredictable and different.)

An exhausted but intrepid Erin weighs baby Calliope 

As time went on, the pool began to list rather comically...James had begun to empty it, but it was becoming clear that the structural integrity of the pool had been seriously compromised.  As it drained, it kind of collapsed in on itself.  Thank you, birth pool, for lasting exactly as long as I needed you!

Baba with his oldest & youngest daughters

Anyway, Erin had James take off his shirt so he could have some skin-to-skin contact with Calliope (for bonding and warmth!), and helped me to the bathroom.  I took a quick rinse-off shower, and after I was clean and settled, Erin made sure we were set and departed. The sun was rising in the sky, it was a new day, and there we were - a family of five, hangin' out with Nana and the kitties, reveling, enjoying...

family of 5 

3 generations!

After Hazel's birth, because of the timing and the little hemorrhage episode I had, I was sent to bed as soon as I was set - it was the closing of the day, and I just got up the next day as a new chapter.  (And I was totally unaware of all the businessy things and cleanup that James dealt with...)  This time, however, labor had been so quick and easy that I didn't even feel tired.  I honestly tried to sleep, but I couldn't get my eyes to stay closed.  I'd try to relax into it, and my mind would wander and I'd forget I was supposed to be trying to sleep!  It was morning!  Had that all really just happened?? I had my baby! It was unreal...

My beautiful baby & me!

Mom and James finished emptying the pool, and Cadence and Hazel helped them to take EXCELLENT care of both me and Calliope, and we had an awesome first day as a family.  I can't explain how wonderful this experience was...despite being quite different than my last home water birth experience, which I described (even at the time!) as being "blissful."  I don't know that I would use that same word to describe this one, but I would say that it was awesome, and amazing, and wonderful, and empowering, exciting...even fun!  I can't say I preferred one experience to the other, they were each so unique and offered me so many new insights in different ways, and I'm sure the kids they brought forth will be different, and unique in their own wonderful ways, too.  I just love it.  I can't recommend homebirth or waterbirth highly enough.  It's just so comfortable and...humane.

Becoming a family of 5 is exhausting!

Welcome, little Calliope Sage!  I admit that I was scared and reluctant when I first found out I was pregnant for the third time...but here we are, less than two weeks since your wondrous arrival, and I already can't imagine life without you.  Thank you for coming to us, little one, thank you for making our family whole and bringing us the gift of your presence.  I'm so totally in love with you, my little pup.

Calliope Sage

I'll close this story with the lyrics to the song/wish/blessing that Mairi taught us all at our last group prenatal session before all these kids arrived.  I wish this for you, Calliope, that you are able to live a full, meaningful, awesome life, that touches those around you in a profound and positive way.  Make the most of it, kid.  I love you.

When you were born

you cried

and the world rejoiced.

Live your life so that when you die,

the world will cry 

and you'll rejoice.

Quality time with Nana

Carmen & Calliope:  Our oldest charge and our youngest 

Puy checks on the new kitten

Lily & Calliope: each the youngest of three. Lily likes to keep the new kitten warm.

Love this fabulous little soul.

*Throughout my pregnancy, I've felt a sort of spiritual kinship with wolves, and have thought of Calliope as my little wolf pup.  Because of this, I can't help but think of these 6 babies arriving into their respective dens all clustered together like that with the same midwives (seriously, it's SO UNUSUAL for that many babes who were expected over the span of a month to arrive all at once...) as being like her spiritual litter. Welcome to the world, all of you!

Cadence caresses her new baby sister's tiny head

EDIT TO ADD: Liz was understandably devastated that she missed the big event, but later shared with me a voicemail that she discovered on her phone when she got up that morning. I knew what it was instantly. Unbeknownst to me, James had valiantly continued to try to reach her on and off throughout, and the last time he called, he didn't hang up right away...her phone recorded the moment of Calliope's birth.

Overheard yesterday

Hazel: jiejie! Jiejie!!
Cadence (from the other room): what?
Hazel: come here, jiejie.
Cadence: why?
Hazel: because I love you!


That feeling seem to be pretty mutual, honeynut.

Big Kids

There is nothing like having a new baby to make your older kids seem so freakin' grown up.

Quality time with dajie

First of all, they look HUGE.  As tiny as they both are, Cadence and Hazel are both strikingly BIG compared to their new baby sister...I asked Cadence to help me get something the other day before realizing it was IN the pack 'n play, and was shocked (shocked!) when she went over to the crib and was able to just casually glance inside and grab the item in question...WHEN DID SHE GET SO TALL??

And it's not just size, it's development...Hazel was dancing around in her birthday suit the other day and I couldn't get over the way her legs worked...she's so steady!  Look how solid her hip joint are as she hops!  And she's off and running with such strength and no wobbles at all!  That's no baby...WHEN DID SHE BECOME A KID??

But the thing that really wallops you over the head with the fact that these girls are really, truly growing up and becoming such wonderful, independent people is how they've taken Calliope's arrival.  I was worried that it would be a rough transition, that Hazel would have a hard time "sharing" me, and that would mean I'd need to spend a significant amount of time trying to appease her, and the result would be that Cadence wouldn't get any time with me at all and we'd all be frustrated and miserable...

I needn't have worried.  From the moment they each woke up to welcome her into the world, these two have been nothing but loving and understanding towards their new sister, and to me.  It helps, of course, that they were with me at all the prenatal sessions and heard the midwives telling me what tasks I should and should not undertake following the birth, and that we've all been talking about it and trying to prepare as best we can for quite a while...but none of that would matter if they didn't have the mental capacity to absorb and understand all that information, which they totally have.

They will both get after me if I try to do something I'm not supposed to, or remind me of things I should be doing...Hazel will ask me "is Calliope sleeping mama?" and if I say yes, she'll say "Then you should sleep too, mama.  Mommy needs to sleep when the baby sleeps!" and Cadence will stop mid-game to say "Mama, do you have something to drink?  Have you taken your vitamins yet?" And if Calliope needs a diaper change, they'll run off calling for James to change it, because they don't want me to stand at the changing table, and anyway, that's when I'm supposed to use the bathroom, so when we're both all clean, I can give the baby her mommy milk comfortably...

They are both amazing about getting things we may need.  They love on this baby so much...she gets plenty of hugs, kisses, cuddles, playtime, and talks from those two.  They already include her in their play, always making sure she has a toy, too, and giving her shares of whatever they're making.  It doesn't bother them that she doesn't do much yet, or that most things they present to her just sit on the couch beside us, they're just glad to have her look at them with those big, bright eyes of hers, and maybe grab their finger with her tiny hand, or seem satisfied when they hold her.

Hazel has gone above and beyond by not only understanding when I can't do something-most of the time, she doesn't even ask.  She'll start to, then think better of it, give me a smile, and bound of to find James or Cadence to help her, instead.  But that doesn't mean she can't help out - to the contrary, there was a time early on when I forgot to fill my peri bottle until it was too late, and I couldn't reach the sink...that girl noticed, volunteered to fill it for me, and actually managed to do it even though she couldn't reach to turn the water on or off without balancing on the edge of the sink on her stomach, her feet dangling above the step stool...that was no small feat for such a small 2 year old.  She was soooo pleased to have helped, and I was so proud.

This morning, both Cadence and Hazel woke up before Calliope (which meant I wasn't willing to admit that I was awake yet, either...) or James, and after chatting together for a little bit, Hazel announced that she was hungry and wanted breakfast, but she asked Cadence if she could get it, so they wouldn't have to wake us up.  Cadence agreed, and what's more, she actually did it...she got bowls, spoons, cereal and milk for both of them, and even put everything away again (no milk left out!  If she spilled anything, she cleaned it up!  There was no evidence of chaos, only a nice orderly breakfast at the table!). She only resorted to asking James for help a little later on, when she wanted to get them each some pink lemonade and seltzer, but there wasn't enough seltzer and she couldn't get the seltzer bottle to screw in to the seltzer maker...which is a really hard thing to do, even for grownups.

And then, this evening, they both undertook the task of 'teaching' Calliope how to brush teeth, put on jammies, put fresh sheets on the bed...

We are so impressed, and proud, of both of our extremely thoughtful, capable Big Kids...We are so lucky to have such amazing people blossoming in our midst.  I have no doubt that Calliope will bring her own set of wonders as she continues to grow.  I can't wait to see what they will all discover.  I love them all.

Quality time with xiao jie!  (um...not sure if my translation there is correct...)

Living with precocious kids

Yesterday, the 2 year old decided she wanted "more cookies!" and set off on an adventure to find some.  I didn't stop her, despite the fact that it was right before dinner and not a cookie-appropriate moment, since I knew there weren't any left.  She came in to report her findings to me with a cheerful "There's no more, Mama!  No More!  Guess I just have to eat the thing I see."  What was that, Hazel?  "What I see!  The thing that I see.  I just eat that, because there are no more cookies, we ate them all up." Oh, ok...um, what did you see?  At that moment my attention was called away, and Hazel snuck off to the kitchen.

A few moments later, Hazel began to shriek and she started shouting "No, Pepper, NO! Don't eat it, NO! PEPPER NO!!!"

Of course I jumped up and raced into the kitchen, where I came upon a scene that explained everything.  We had made a batch of 'home-made oreos' the day before to take to a dinner we were going to, and there had been some leftover filling which I'd left in the fridge overnight.  This had proved to be a mistake, as the fats solidified and the 'frosting' had turned into a rock, so I'd left it on the counter to warm up a bit and soften while I worked in the other room.  This enticing bowl of cookie filling is evidently "the thing" that Hazel saw, and she had dragged a step stool over to the counter to retrieve it. She'd set the (comically large) bowl down on the floor so she could climb down after it, and in the meantime, Pepper, seeing a giant bowl of buttery deliciousness in her territory, thought she'd hit the jackpot and had rushed over to gobble it up.  So this is the scene I walked into:  the two year old waving her arms in a panic while standing on a step stool watching the dog and a giant bowl of frosting she'd obviously meant to have for herself at her feet.

I couldn't help myself, and actually burst out laughing.  I was equally impressed, amused, and dismayed...it was so mischievous and cute of Hazel to quietly set about getting the sweet stuff without help (or permission) and such good problem solving in how to get at it, and so sad the way the plans had been foiled by the dog...and also sad for pepper, who didn't understand why she couldn't keep her prize (Good news:  I took it away, she's still alive!) ...it was a classic moment, if I do say so myself.

Oh, and to top it all off, the 5 year old was in the other room at the time "writing a book.  It's a chapter book."  What's it called?  "The Nature of Science."

Aww, her first treatise! 

The Bar Exam Leads To Messes.

So, I'm gonna go ahead and blame the bar exam for this one.

Anyone who has had the experience of studying for and subsequently taking the bar exam, and anyone who has supported someone through said experience can tell you what a beast that thing is, so I won't bother going into all that here, I'll just set this quaint little backdrop for the anecdote I'm about to share:

We have hardly seen James in weeks.  Months, at this point.  He's technically here, and we do get glimpses of him now and again - when he emerges onto the porch for a light breakfast before going for a short run (followed by a cool down walk with the dog, who ADORES this new routine) and a brief shower before hunkering down for the day.  He alternates between sitting in the glider in the corner of our bedroom and standing at a makeshift "standing desk" involving a stack of random stuff on a table, the height of which is just variable enough to go from fully upright to doing a sort of horse stance - all this to give his body some variation and exercise during the 12 or so hours during the day that he spends studying.

Unfortunately for his concentration, this routine means we know exactly where he is if we need to bug him about something, but we have been making a genuine effort not to abuse the power...he'll join us for a brief lunch and again for dinner, and will usually take at least a little break in the evening to play with the kids, who are so good and patient and understanding about the whole thing, but also really miss their Baba. At least his proximity means that he IS there if any of us really need him - like the time a few weeks back where Hazel tripped in just the wrong place and gave herself a pretty impressive black eye.

Anyway, because he's so crazy busy, its been back to the faux single parenting thing for me.  Granted, I have mom around this time since she's unable to work at the moment, and that is a HUGE help, but it isn't quite the same...And though she sometimes fools me into forgetting what she's going through because she's so incredibly strong, she IS still in the middle of going through Chemo - and she has a broken sternum, to boot...

So, nearing my third trimester while chasing my precariously precocious 2 and 5 year olds around day and night, trying to make the most of a summer on a shoestring budget (yay for lots of crafts mom has leftover from Kelly & me!) amidst everything else I have been attempting to do has left me a bit exhausted.

There are some (albeit, very few) times when the girls will be playing well enough together that, if I simply can't make it, I can let them know that I need to nap on the couch for a few minutes and they can manage not to get into too much trouble.  This afternoon, however, was NOT one of those times.

Today, I just crashed.  I was so tired I slumped over on the couch and dozed off without meaning to...mom was home, but not right there, and I could still hear chatter and such, so I thought I was ok anyway and didn't immediately rouse myself...but then I heard mom say, "Ooops ooops ooops!" and opened my eyes to see her swooping towards Hazel, who was standing less than a foot from my head, completely silent, every bit of exposed skin on her upper body - hands, arms, face, even her hair -completely coated in a body butter one of mom's friends had left for her.  "Lotion!" Hazel giggled, clearly delighted with her handywork.

And that is how the bar exam lead to my two year old getting into a perfectly classic mess.

Lotion indeed, my girl. Lotion, indeed.

Monstrous Mortality

They say that young children are more in tune with matters of the spirit; today I am convinced that it's true.

Cadence, Hazel and I arrived in Kentucky about a week ago. Cadence has taken to recreating the circus she put on with her class at the end of the year, and one evening shortly after our arrival she stopped mid-performance to ask me: "Mama, why did they put Puppalina in fire at the vet, after she was dead?" I was shocked; there was absolutely no context for this sudden inquiry into our beloved pup's cremation more than two years ago. She went through a prolonged phase of timid fascination with death about a year ago, but we haven't really discussed the subject at all in months - and she was literally mid-circus. "ladies and gentlemen! Let's hear it for the...Mama, why did they put Puppalina in fire at the vet, after she was dead?" I answered her, of course, and we had a decently long conversation, and then she went on with the show. Literally.

Cinnamon didn't eat anything that night.

A day or two later, we were all hanging out in the living room when Cadence suddenly got extremely sad, seemingly for no reason at all. When I asked what was wrong, she burst into tears and clung to me tightly and said "I'm really going to miss you when you're dead!"

I was again bowled over by this out-of-the-blue awareness. We talked for a while, about death and love, about life and mortality, and she even volunteered that when she grows up she's going to go off on her own but will come visit, and then, when I pass, it won't be the same and she'll be really sad, but she'll still have Hazel and hopefully her own family. She's not even 4 yet. She breaks my heart.

Our conversation concluded and tears dried, she bounded off once more to play. About 3 hours later, she was off playing with Gjon while I worked in the kitchen with Hazel when suddenly Cadence came running into the room with a devastatingly reserved look of pain on her face and threw herself silently into my arms. At that moment Hazel was very loudly screaming about some perceived injustice or other, so I hugged her and set her down to attend the screaming. My mom picked her up and she clung there, crying silently, until I got Hazel settled and could hear her answers when I asked what was wrong.

As I brushed the tear-soaked hair out of her eyes, she described seeing what it would look like when I am dead, and that it made her really really sad. What had inspired such vivid images? "I was playing with Gjon but now he laid down and isn't doing anything." (To be fair, Gjon told me later that she evidently 'stabbed' him with a light saber just before that happened.)

We talked again, and she admitted that she'd been thinking about death a lot lately, but she didn't know why.

It became clear shortly after this that our kitty Cinnamon was suffering from more than just a passing stomach bug.

Before heading out on Monday morning, we each gave her a kiss and some gentle pets, and told her how much we loved her. I can't express how insanely grateful I am for that seemingly simple interaction now.

Kelly took her to the vet before we got back that day. She was immediately admitted to the hospital.

Playing 'art school' with Cadence that afternoon, (I was dubbed 'teacher' and told "now you teach us to do art," which, if you now me, you know I find hilarious since, if anything, adults need to re-learn how to create from kids, but I digress) I gave her the assignment to draw or paint something that scared her. We talked about it as she worked; her creation was an intricate and very unique 'monster' which was sort of amorphously ball shaped, covered in long fur in several shades of green, and it had several big claws, each of with had a mouth filled with teeth, but otherwise this monster had no face or appendages. I was impressed. And slightly surprised that her awesome little mind came up with that; I'd been expecting either something more obviously related to a specific fear, or something or totally generic.

But then she took the assignment in a direction I did not expect. The news interrupted the art lesson. Cinnamon was in complete renal failure; her kidneys had shut down. If she made it through the night, there was some hope that she could come home later in the week on a very complicated care setup including regular subcutaneous fluids, and even then she would probably only have another 6 months or so.

Cadence, who still had her green marker in her hand, slowly reached up and began streaking her cheeks, deliberately, in a downward motion. "what are you doing?" I asked. "drawing tears" she said, "because Cinnamon isn't coming home."

Cinnamon did make it through the night, and mom and kelly were able to visit her. Some hard decisions were on the table; they decided to do another round of blood work to see how things were going. She was better, but not better enough.

She made it through another night, but she wouldn't take her medicine in the morning. Her condition was so poor I can't bear to think of how much pain she must have been in...This afternoon Cadence told me she wanted the doctor to give her the special medicine to help her die quickly and stop hurting, because she wouldn't ever get better enough to not feel miserable. The sound that came from her after that can really only be described as Keening.

Kelly and Mom came to the same conclusion. They were with her at the end. They brought her body back home to the only house she ever lived in, where the girls and I were waiting with heavy hearts. Cadence reverently rested her head on my shoulder, and Hazel declared jdeh-jdeh! (her word for kitty) and waved goodbye, then looked at me knowingly and bowed her head. We buried our beloved Cinnamon beside Ragamuffin under the rose bushes in the yard. We mixed Puppalina's ashes into the soil, so the earthbound forms of the three of them are now returning, together, to the next phase in the ever-present cycle of life.

We don't know exactly what happened to our poor cinni-kitty, but the most likely scenario is that she ingested some fragments of the tiger lilies that volunteered in the yard. Lilies are extremely toxic to cats, and even if we had taken her to the vet sooner, they mostly likely wouldn't have been able to do anything to prevent the fatal outcome. We are all devastated by her early departure; she wasn't even 10 years old, and was a mostly healthy and contented cat. We have always loved her dearly. And we always will.

Whatever the case, Cadence seemed far more tuned in to the presence of a life or death situation than the rest of us did. Even now, despite all the crying I've done, part of me is solidly in denial, I can't believe that she really isn't waiting for dinner in one of her favorite hiding spots; I'm surprised when I don't see her on mom's bed...

Perhaps Cadence could sense Cinnamon's spirit loosening itself from its fleshy embrace. Perhaps she was being haunted by the knowledge of transition, and as she felt her go she looked to us adults to understand our lack of awareness. Perhaps she found only ignorance, or suppressed understanding. I hope we aren't teacher her to doubt her instincts.

Sisters

Behold:

Cadence, age 9 months.

Hazel, age 8 months.

Yup, they're sisters alright!

Busy busy busy

We're still here, friends.

Life's just been so full, and we've been spending our time trying to keep up with the moment, and revel in every awesome little bit of it, and thus we lose track of silly things like time...what, I'm 6 months behind in updates here? um...

Oh look! Cute kids!

Hopefully we'll be back with more consistent updates in the near future. In the meantime, know that we're sending warm thoughts to you all. Much love!

The Groundhog Was Right!

No one believed those groundhogs when, in the midst of a snowstorm, they predicted the coming of spring, but at least here in NYC things seem to be heading springward! (Or, y'know, things are just being actively tricked by a very belated January thaw...)

With the weather today in the 60's, I thought I'd share a few nuggets of cuteness to warm at least your hearts.

You know its spring when you have four cute kids sitting on an open air bench eating ice cream and causing passers-by to crash into parked cars on the street:

But you know its eeeearly spring yet, 'cause the baby's still bundled. But as least she got to venture out sans-hat for the first time in months.

One more, for good measure. L-R here are James, Luca, Cadence, and Maya: